Lip Smackers For Grown-Ups!

Yeah.

Yeah, I know what this is for. I see that it specifies 'nipples', and is made for the sole purpose of 'nibbling'. Got it. Will receive shocked email from my mother in 3-2-1. Note to sisters and young friends: you can not buy this until you are legal.

But this stuff is awsome. Tasty and sweet with lots of plumping tingle. It's like a less painful version of Lip Venom, and it only costs $10 for a big ol' 2 ounce tub. That's a lot of balm. I've been glossing up with the Razzleberry, but the Stawberry is my favorite. I have to stop myself from licking it off every 2 minutes. Off my lips, that is. I *ahem* only condone using this on your lips.

Listening to: Mexico - Incubus

Trim The Hedges

Bikinis, shorts, dresses - they all have one thing in common.

Yes, they require you to shave. Spring has sprung, my friends, and that means ridding yourself of that yeti-like coat you have let grow unchecked on your body since November. I've been using coconut oil and plain ol' bar soap to lather up, and it gives a super close and silky finish. But there are uh...other things... that must be tamed as well, since beach season approacheth.

You know the 12 year old girl in the ill fitting one piece you always see at the local pool? And her mom has obviously not given her the 'facts of life' talk yet, and is not ready for her to grow up? And it looks like a fake beard is stuck down her bottoms? Yeah...You know what I'm talking about...You don't want to be 'that girl'...Nobody wants the pube peek going on. NOBODY.

I'm not saying you have to take it all off, but at least put on the bikini bottoms and clean up the stragglers. Anything else is completely up to you.

The best product for lazy folk such as myself is Nad's Brazilian and Bikini Kit. It heats up in your microwave, requires no cloth strips (yeah, no hassle to lay the strips down right, no icky cleanup!), and it gets rid of everything for 3 weeks. That means no razor burn or stubble 2 days after you 'took care of it'. And, if shapes and high pain tolerance are your thing, they include 'stencils' to shape the downstairs into a triangle, a heart, lightening, or the classic strip. At $11, this costs the same as a razor. Give it a try.

Listening to: Summertime - Sublime

Doing The Caterpilar Crawl

Please do something with your eyebrows.

Can you imagine what some tweezers, a magnifing mirror, and a bit of clear mascara could have done for these guys?

I'm not saying you need to pluck your brows into oblivion (on the contrary, a manicured full brow is quite becoming), but please groom and control them. I used to finish my makeup and leave my eyebrows to do as they pleased, and by the end of the day I was doing my best to make my Scottish ancestors proud.

I eventually figured out that a quick swipe of clear gel, teasing the 'brow hairs up just a smidgen, framed my whole face and polished the look. No more wonk stray hairs! No more bangs ruffling the arch and giving me a mildly quizzical expression! Yay!

You can tame your face fuzz with whatever products you wish; Ive heard of chapstick to glue them down, hairspray or hairgel on a clean eyecomb, and brow wax. Find a way that suits you.

Wonky 'brow affects 1 in 3 people...are you at risk?

Listening to: Instant Pleasure - Rufus Wainwright

Making Things Easier For Them Workin' Girls

Holy Sweet God, I don't know who came up with these things. I'm torn between feeling absolutely horrified and thinking these are AMAZING! They are like those transfer tattoos that I used to put all over myself to look badass, but grown up. They also look like they were created just for Ru Paul. These are idiot proof cream shadows in crazy-pants designs on transfer papers. So, for only $25, you too can look like a prostitute/clown fetishist applied your makeup for you. I almost want them!

To get a final opinion, I showed these bits o' fabulous to my dear boyfriend; he laughed, asked me if I remembered that Simpsons episode in which Homer invents a makeup gun, and then shouted "Whores, Whores, WHORES!" like a carnie at the fair. I guess that settles it. On the topic of whores, here's something to make your day.

Listening to: Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright