I DO Give A Fig

I have never tasted a fresh fig. By all accounts, they don't travel well, and it's not like Canada is known for growing exotic fruit, so all we get here are the dried ones. I imagine they are as different in taste as a grape is from a raisin. What has given me this sudden, odd, and unquenchable need to actually taste a fig?

Yes, my shower gel smells so good that I now need to track down the nearest Greek person and beg them to tell me where to get a friggin' fig. Damn you, Korres for putting dreams into my head that were never meant to be!

Guess I'll just go eat my fig newtons now...

Listening to: Don't Trust Me - 3OH!

Feel Gross? Curl Your Eyelashes!

Soooo...I'm sick with the ickiest tonsillitis in the world. The last thing I want to do is look like I'm feeling sick. Y'know what I mean? If I leave myself to be greasy, uncombed, unwashed, and uncared for, I feel way worse and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and die. But, if I force myself up, run a brush through my hair and swipe on some mascara, I feel at least 60% better. That is a statistical fact, you can check it yourself.

But lately, my lashes haven't been holding any curl. I'm using BadGal Lash by Benefit right now, and when I first put it on, everything curls right up and my lashes skim my eyebrows. But 5 minutes later, I'll catch a glimpse of myself and see that they have fallen completely flat. I might as well have done nothing at all. So, I asked myself: is it the mascara that is failing, or my crap $3 lash curler that I got at the grocery store? I picked the one that was cheapest to replace (and the words "got it at the grocery store" tipped me off that something might be amiss here).

So off I went to everyone's favorite big box store, took a gander at all of the torture tools, and was immediately caught up by LaCross' Double Curl Lash Curler. Double the curling points with half the work? And it's pink? Six Dollars? Pink? Done!

So basically, what this little gem does is crimps your lashes in 2 places with only one squeeze. That means you don't need to walk the curler out to get a graceful sweep of lash. It also means less chance that you will curl your lashes properly at the base, but then move the curler out for a second curl, hit in the middle of your lashes, and give yourself square lashes. It also helps if you want the curl of a heated lash curler, but are afraid of sticking hot things near your eyes (and so you should be!).

So...long story short, turns out that it was my crappy curler and not my mascara that was the problem. I know, big surprise. I now have curly, flirty lashes that stayed all the way through an evening date last night. I may have looked better than I felt, but I certainly would have felt much worse if I hadn't looked that good. Or...does that make any sense?...er...you know what I mean... Now excuse me, but I need some hot tea and a Strepsil. Big, flirty tonsils are not nearly as hot as big, flirty lashes.

On The Spot

My skin has been steadily getting better with my new skin care routine, but I still have a few red spots and undereye circles (as well as the occasional zit when I get lazy and fall asleep with my makeup on...). This means that a good concealer is still needed. I've tried quite a few, including CG's stick concealer and L'Oreal's mineral concealer, and while they work, they always have some little flaw that makes me cringe. The stick concealers always look a little chalky, and the mineral stuff was a little too dark and made my skin look oddly dry. I've been on the hunt for a good concealer since Burt's Bees stopped making their wonderful wax concealer. That stuff covered everything, stayed on through days at the beach, and didn't look weirdly fake. It was the ideal concealer: didn't look like anything was there, but also made blemishes look like they had disappeared too. And isn't that the point of a concealer? To make you look seamlessly flawless?

I think I have found a replacement! Revlon's Age Defying Spa concealer is my new favorite makeup item. It is quite obviously a rip off of YSL's Touche Eclat, but at under half price compared to the luxury brand, I'll take this fake any day. It is smooth and light, and you only need a touch of product to cover the nasties. Yay! Now lets just hope they don't discontinue this stuff like they do to all of my favorite makeup...RIP, Wings of Love...

Listening to: Loose Wires - Kenna

P.S. Sorry I haven't written for so long, it was exam week. I'm sure all two of you who read regularly were so worried...

Lip Smackers For Grown-Ups!

Yeah.

Yeah, I know what this is for. I see that it specifies 'nipples', and is made for the sole purpose of 'nibbling'. Got it. Will receive shocked email from my mother in 3-2-1. Note to sisters and young friends: you can not buy this until you are legal.

But this stuff is awsome. Tasty and sweet with lots of plumping tingle. It's like a less painful version of Lip Venom, and it only costs $10 for a big ol' 2 ounce tub. That's a lot of balm. I've been glossing up with the Razzleberry, but the Stawberry is my favorite. I have to stop myself from licking it off every 2 minutes. Off my lips, that is. I *ahem* only condone using this on your lips.

Listening to: Mexico - Incubus

Trim The Hedges

Bikinis, shorts, dresses - they all have one thing in common.

Yes, they require you to shave. Spring has sprung, my friends, and that means ridding yourself of that yeti-like coat you have let grow unchecked on your body since November. I've been using coconut oil and plain ol' bar soap to lather up, and it gives a super close and silky finish. But there are uh...other things... that must be tamed as well, since beach season approacheth.

You know the 12 year old girl in the ill fitting one piece you always see at the local pool? And her mom has obviously not given her the 'facts of life' talk yet, and is not ready for her to grow up? And it looks like a fake beard is stuck down her bottoms? Yeah...You know what I'm talking about...You don't want to be 'that girl'...Nobody wants the pube peek going on. NOBODY.

I'm not saying you have to take it all off, but at least put on the bikini bottoms and clean up the stragglers. Anything else is completely up to you.

The best product for lazy folk such as myself is Nad's Brazilian and Bikini Kit. It heats up in your microwave, requires no cloth strips (yeah, no hassle to lay the strips down right, no icky cleanup!), and it gets rid of everything for 3 weeks. That means no razor burn or stubble 2 days after you 'took care of it'. And, if shapes and high pain tolerance are your thing, they include 'stencils' to shape the downstairs into a triangle, a heart, lightening, or the classic strip. At $11, this costs the same as a razor. Give it a try.

Listening to: Summertime - Sublime

Tales From The Makeup Crypt - Episode 1

I buy everything that catches my eye. Ok, maybe that's a bit of an overstatement, but I get really excited about new cosmetics. All of the magazines we get are American, so I see ads for new products months before they come out here. By the time they arrive, I have convinced myself that I need this new something. So I buy it, try it, and wish I had saved my $10. The much-coveted new thing gets shoved into the miriad of cheap cosmetic bags from GWP's that hold other cast offs... This elephant's graveyard of rejects and makeup bags is the Makeup Crypt (OoOoOoOoHHHhhh - cue menacing music)

One of the most recent interments: Cover Girl's Simply Ageless

I'm not sure why I bought an anti-wrinkle foundation. It appealed to me at the time, that's all I can say. Anyway, Cover Girl claims that this stuff is supposed to "stay suspended over fine lines and wrinkles". I have to say, because of my oily skin, I have very few lines, even super fine ones, and my skin is super smooth. Also, I'm 20. Not exactly prime wrinkle gettin' time.

And yet, somehow, this stuff actually found a way to age me. It sank into the tiniest little crevices, settled into smile lines around my eyes, and (somehow) found areas on my face that were 'dry' and got caught on the bits of rough skin that weren't there until I put this crap on. This was like smothering my face with moistened chalk.

If this stuff reacted badly on my skin, I can't imagine what it would do to the skin of it's target audience. I hate to believe that Ellen lied...but...take a hint from me and leave this stuff to the geisha girls, clowns, and the crypt keeper...

Listening to: I Wanna Riot - Rancid

Lighten Up

I love colouring my hair; every spring I start the lighter and medium blonde highlights, and every winter I do caramel and dirty blonde lowlights (For reference, I get the 'Nicole Richie' look). Since I'm broke as all hell, and highlights start to look really bad if you don't keep up with maintenence, sometimes I go to the esthetics schools here in town to get my work done.

Whoa, whoa whoa, you say? Don't I end up with blotchy crap highlights that make me want to cry, you say?

This is what FEAR looks like...

Well, I reply, the esthetics program is winding down right now, so most of the students are basically fully trained hairdressers that just haven't gotten their little piece o' paper yet. And, if you happen to be a student, Marvel College (Kelowna, Red Deer, Calgary, Edmonton, Saskatoon, Winnipeg) has a 50% off deal if you have a valid (or still passable as valid) highschool or post-secondary student I.D. A full head of foils will set you back only $25 bucks. Yeah, seriously. Even if you aren't a student, foils will only cost you $40-$55 bucks. That's at least half price from what you would pay in a 'salon'.

I think everyone needs a little foil-age in the summer, even you dark haired girls. I'm not saying go get Russian Mafia wife or bad asian teen bleached highlights, I'm saying get a colour one or two shades lighter than your base colour. It really brightens things up, without you looking totally fake or like your best friend combed L'Oreal's Chunking through your hair. So, if you have nearly black hair, get a deep auburn or medium chestnut shade partially foiled through (a la Megan Fox), and you will be looking at your self in store windows as you pass. Or, if you'd rather D.I.Y., Sun-In starts to hit the shelves at this time of year. (Please...no...)

Listening to: Just A Phase - Incubus

Feel A Little Blue To Get Red-Hot

I love the idea of fire engine crazy red lips. I only ever pull electric cherry in my dreams. In reality, I usually just swipe on some pumped up version of my natural lip or a muted wine. It's pretty...but so boring. So, my fantasy Jenni is going to rock some rock-steady red. Yup.

Speaking of rock-steady and red, I have a tip from Gwen Stefani, the queen of the crimson pout: Use a sheer blue gloss over your red lipstick. It adds a blue tint to the red (but does not turn it purple) that amps up the colour, makes your lips look fuller (due to the shine reflecting off the curves of your lips), and (supposedly) makes your teeth look whiter. Whatever, if that's how Gwen gets those crazy red lips, I'm all for it. CoverGirl makes a blue gloss called Happy Hour. It's part of their Amazemint line, so it also gives a minty tingle. Mmmm minty... and I promise you won't look like you've got hypothermia.

Listening to: Bathwater - No Doubt