Lip Smackers For Grown-Ups!

Yeah.

Yeah, I know what this is for. I see that it specifies 'nipples', and is made for the sole purpose of 'nibbling'. Got it. Will receive shocked email from my mother in 3-2-1. Note to sisters and young friends: you can not buy this until you are legal.

But this stuff is awsome. Tasty and sweet with lots of plumping tingle. It's like a less painful version of Lip Venom, and it only costs $10 for a big ol' 2 ounce tub. That's a lot of balm. I've been glossing up with the Razzleberry, but the Stawberry is my favorite. I have to stop myself from licking it off every 2 minutes. Off my lips, that is. I *ahem* only condone using this on your lips.

Listening to: Mexico - Incubus

Trim The Hedges

Bikinis, shorts, dresses - they all have one thing in common.

Yes, they require you to shave. Spring has sprung, my friends, and that means ridding yourself of that yeti-like coat you have let grow unchecked on your body since November. I've been using coconut oil and plain ol' bar soap to lather up, and it gives a super close and silky finish. But there are uh...other things... that must be tamed as well, since beach season approacheth.

You know the 12 year old girl in the ill fitting one piece you always see at the local pool? And her mom has obviously not given her the 'facts of life' talk yet, and is not ready for her to grow up? And it looks like a fake beard is stuck down her bottoms? Yeah...You know what I'm talking about...You don't want to be 'that girl'...Nobody wants the pube peek going on. NOBODY.

I'm not saying you have to take it all off, but at least put on the bikini bottoms and clean up the stragglers. Anything else is completely up to you.

The best product for lazy folk such as myself is Nad's Brazilian and Bikini Kit. It heats up in your microwave, requires no cloth strips (yeah, no hassle to lay the strips down right, no icky cleanup!), and it gets rid of everything for 3 weeks. That means no razor burn or stubble 2 days after you 'took care of it'. And, if shapes and high pain tolerance are your thing, they include 'stencils' to shape the downstairs into a triangle, a heart, lightening, or the classic strip. At $11, this costs the same as a razor. Give it a try.

Listening to: Summertime - Sublime

Tales From The Makeup Crypt - Episode 1

I buy everything that catches my eye. Ok, maybe that's a bit of an overstatement, but I get really excited about new cosmetics. All of the magazines we get are American, so I see ads for new products months before they come out here. By the time they arrive, I have convinced myself that I need this new something. So I buy it, try it, and wish I had saved my $10. The much-coveted new thing gets shoved into the miriad of cheap cosmetic bags from GWP's that hold other cast offs... This elephant's graveyard of rejects and makeup bags is the Makeup Crypt (OoOoOoOoHHHhhh - cue menacing music)

One of the most recent interments: Cover Girl's Simply Ageless

I'm not sure why I bought an anti-wrinkle foundation. It appealed to me at the time, that's all I can say. Anyway, Cover Girl claims that this stuff is supposed to "stay suspended over fine lines and wrinkles". I have to say, because of my oily skin, I have very few lines, even super fine ones, and my skin is super smooth. Also, I'm 20. Not exactly prime wrinkle gettin' time.

And yet, somehow, this stuff actually found a way to age me. It sank into the tiniest little crevices, settled into smile lines around my eyes, and (somehow) found areas on my face that were 'dry' and got caught on the bits of rough skin that weren't there until I put this crap on. This was like smothering my face with moistened chalk.

If this stuff reacted badly on my skin, I can't imagine what it would do to the skin of it's target audience. I hate to believe that Ellen lied...but...take a hint from me and leave this stuff to the geisha girls, clowns, and the crypt keeper...

Listening to: I Wanna Riot - Rancid

Lighten Up

I love colouring my hair; every spring I start the lighter and medium blonde highlights, and every winter I do caramel and dirty blonde lowlights (For reference, I get the 'Nicole Richie' look). Since I'm broke as all hell, and highlights start to look really bad if you don't keep up with maintenence, sometimes I go to the esthetics schools here in town to get my work done.

Whoa, whoa whoa, you say? Don't I end up with blotchy crap highlights that make me want to cry, you say?

This is what FEAR looks like...

Well, I reply, the esthetics program is winding down right now, so most of the students are basically fully trained hairdressers that just haven't gotten their little piece o' paper yet. And, if you happen to be a student, Marvel College (Kelowna, Red Deer, Calgary, Edmonton, Saskatoon, Winnipeg) has a 50% off deal if you have a valid (or still passable as valid) highschool or post-secondary student I.D. A full head of foils will set you back only $25 bucks. Yeah, seriously. Even if you aren't a student, foils will only cost you $40-$55 bucks. That's at least half price from what you would pay in a 'salon'.

I think everyone needs a little foil-age in the summer, even you dark haired girls. I'm not saying go get Russian Mafia wife or bad asian teen bleached highlights, I'm saying get a colour one or two shades lighter than your base colour. It really brightens things up, without you looking totally fake or like your best friend combed L'Oreal's Chunking through your hair. So, if you have nearly black hair, get a deep auburn or medium chestnut shade partially foiled through (a la Megan Fox), and you will be looking at your self in store windows as you pass. Or, if you'd rather D.I.Y., Sun-In starts to hit the shelves at this time of year. (Please...no...)

Listening to: Just A Phase - Incubus

Feel A Little Blue To Get Red-Hot

I love the idea of fire engine crazy red lips. I only ever pull electric cherry in my dreams. In reality, I usually just swipe on some pumped up version of my natural lip or a muted wine. It's pretty...but so boring. So, my fantasy Jenni is going to rock some rock-steady red. Yup.

Speaking of rock-steady and red, I have a tip from Gwen Stefani, the queen of the crimson pout: Use a sheer blue gloss over your red lipstick. It adds a blue tint to the red (but does not turn it purple) that amps up the colour, makes your lips look fuller (due to the shine reflecting off the curves of your lips), and (supposedly) makes your teeth look whiter. Whatever, if that's how Gwen gets those crazy red lips, I'm all for it. CoverGirl makes a blue gloss called Happy Hour. It's part of their Amazemint line, so it also gives a minty tingle. Mmmm minty... and I promise you won't look like you've got hypothermia.

Listening to: Bathwater - No Doubt

Doing The Caterpilar Crawl

Please do something with your eyebrows.

Can you imagine what some tweezers, a magnifing mirror, and a bit of clear mascara could have done for these guys?

I'm not saying you need to pluck your brows into oblivion (on the contrary, a manicured full brow is quite becoming), but please groom and control them. I used to finish my makeup and leave my eyebrows to do as they pleased, and by the end of the day I was doing my best to make my Scottish ancestors proud.

I eventually figured out that a quick swipe of clear gel, teasing the 'brow hairs up just a smidgen, framed my whole face and polished the look. No more wonk stray hairs! No more bangs ruffling the arch and giving me a mildly quizzical expression! Yay!

You can tame your face fuzz with whatever products you wish; Ive heard of chapstick to glue them down, hairspray or hairgel on a clean eyecomb, and brow wax. Find a way that suits you.

Wonky 'brow affects 1 in 3 people...are you at risk?

Listening to: Instant Pleasure - Rufus Wainwright

Breeding A New Bunny

Y'know how everyone does the 'snow bunny' look in winter, with the frosty shadow, pale lips, and shimmery pink blush? Pair with a silver bikini, earmuffs, mittens, and furry white yeti boots, and you've got beer girl at the ski hill...but a hot beer girl...

Anyway, with the advent of spring, the 'snow bunny' needs to uh...change its colours. So, I present to you the 'easter bunny' (come on, gimme a break...).

You can do this with all drugstore makeup if you're doing cheap n chic, or you can have some fun with M.A.C. You need:

• CoverGirl Eyeshadow quad in Urban Basics



• Black or brown eyeliner



• Revlon Matte Blush in Rose Rapture



• Burt's Bees Lip Shimmer in Rhubarb



• Your regular old foundation, coverup, mascara, etc.
  

Do your base and give yourself a light cover - let your freckles peek through if you have them, but cover dark spots. You want a creamy, matte finish.

Add blush to your apples and blend out.

With the shadow,use the white highligher on the inner corners of your eyes and highlight your brow bone lightly.

Make a smokey eye with the blue-grey shade. Add some of the taupe for shimmer if you want, or make the grey more opaque for a matte look. This stuff applies pretty sheer, and after 1/2 an hour tones down to more of a grey than a blue-purple.

Line your top lashes with a medium thickness line.

Curl your lashes and pile on the mascara on the top.

Give a quick swipe of the Burt's lipgloss. I know it applies in a weird pink at first, but rub it in well and it is a perfect springy, girly pink. For extra gloss, add some bubblegum liquid gloss. I like Quo's Lip Gloss in Babe.

Curl your hair, throw on a sundress and a cardigan, and smile at everyone who passes. This is very on-par with the spring makeup looks that went down the runways.

I promise you will make a better 'easter bunny' than this guy...