Tales From The Makeup Crypt - Episode 1

I buy everything that catches my eye. Ok, maybe that's a bit of an overstatement, but I get really excited about new cosmetics. All of the magazines we get are American, so I see ads for new products months before they come out here. By the time they arrive, I have convinced myself that I need this new something. So I buy it, try it, and wish I had saved my $10. The much-coveted new thing gets shoved into the miriad of cheap cosmetic bags from GWP's that hold other cast offs... This elephant's graveyard of rejects and makeup bags is the Makeup Crypt (OoOoOoOoHHHhhh - cue menacing music)

One of the most recent interments: Cover Girl's Simply Ageless

I'm not sure why I bought an anti-wrinkle foundation. It appealed to me at the time, that's all I can say. Anyway, Cover Girl claims that this stuff is supposed to "stay suspended over fine lines and wrinkles". I have to say, because of my oily skin, I have very few lines, even super fine ones, and my skin is super smooth. Also, I'm 20. Not exactly prime wrinkle gettin' time.

And yet, somehow, this stuff actually found a way to age me. It sank into the tiniest little crevices, settled into smile lines around my eyes, and (somehow) found areas on my face that were 'dry' and got caught on the bits of rough skin that weren't there until I put this crap on. This was like smothering my face with moistened chalk.

If this stuff reacted badly on my skin, I can't imagine what it would do to the skin of it's target audience. I hate to believe that Ellen lied...but...take a hint from me and leave this stuff to the geisha girls, clowns, and the crypt keeper...

Listening to: I Wanna Riot - Rancid

Lighten Up

I love colouring my hair; every spring I start the lighter and medium blonde highlights, and every winter I do caramel and dirty blonde lowlights (For reference, I get the 'Nicole Richie' look). Since I'm broke as all hell, and highlights start to look really bad if you don't keep up with maintenence, sometimes I go to the esthetics schools here in town to get my work done.

Whoa, whoa whoa, you say? Don't I end up with blotchy crap highlights that make me want to cry, you say?

This is what FEAR looks like...

Well, I reply, the esthetics program is winding down right now, so most of the students are basically fully trained hairdressers that just haven't gotten their little piece o' paper yet. And, if you happen to be a student, Marvel College (Kelowna, Red Deer, Calgary, Edmonton, Saskatoon, Winnipeg) has a 50% off deal if you have a valid (or still passable as valid) highschool or post-secondary student I.D. A full head of foils will set you back only $25 bucks. Yeah, seriously. Even if you aren't a student, foils will only cost you $40-$55 bucks. That's at least half price from what you would pay in a 'salon'.

I think everyone needs a little foil-age in the summer, even you dark haired girls. I'm not saying go get Russian Mafia wife or bad asian teen bleached highlights, I'm saying get a colour one or two shades lighter than your base colour. It really brightens things up, without you looking totally fake or like your best friend combed L'Oreal's Chunking through your hair. So, if you have nearly black hair, get a deep auburn or medium chestnut shade partially foiled through (a la Megan Fox), and you will be looking at your self in store windows as you pass. Or, if you'd rather D.I.Y., Sun-In starts to hit the shelves at this time of year. (Please...no...)

Listening to: Just A Phase - Incubus

Stroke Me The Right Way

I hate buying makeup brushes. I hate walking into M.A.C. and looking at their horridly overpriced brushes. I hate knowing that I will buy them, even when I know Michael's Craft store has basically the same thing in the painting section for 1/5th of the price. It's garbage. So, out of poverty and need, I usually end up buying brushes from the drug store, which inevitably turn out to be absolute crap; bristles are rough, fall out, don't distibute product evenly, or seem to suck up product like a sponge.

This is an issue no more!

EcoTools makes a wonderful line of quality drug store brushes that I would say are comparable to expensive brands. I picked up their Blush brush for around $8, and was quite resigned to picking brush bits from my cheeks and having to throw the p.o.s. out within the month because it was falling apart. EcoTools has proven me wrong. This brush is incredibly soft taklon, and makes me want to sit and apply blush all morning long, just to have it strooooke up and down my cheek. It's gorgeous. And, you may be interested to know that these brushes are made with recycled or sustainable materials, and the bristles are made of cruelty free hair. It's just a small way to help, if that's your thing.

I haven't tried any of EcoTool's products besides the Blush brush, but the foundation brush looks halfway decent, and the angled liner brush looks serviceable too. I would say the Blush brush is equal to M.A.C.'s 116 Blush Brush, which retails for $38.50. That's a savings of over $30, guys. Go give EcoTools a try, and use the money you saved to buy yourself somethin' reeeaaaal niiice.

Listening to: Electric Feel - MGMT

I WILL NOT Be Inviting YOU To Tea!

No.

Just...No.

I am constantly on the lookout for something that will give me pretty, sexy beach hair. I am essentially a lazy creature, but my vanity demands that I look good. So, I try to find the shortest route to pretty that I can. Always.

I was hopeful that this would be a shortcut to my hair in the morning - texturized and wave inducing without being crunchy, wet-gel looking, or terribly expensive. "Separate curls and waves to create a dishevelled, loose, beach life effect"? Sign me up!

It. Did. NOT. Deliver.

This smells like you have doused your head in Acqua DiGio, the scent of douchebags and popped collars world wide. I'm not talking 'just a little' masculine...this is full on gross. When I got into the car, my boyfriend sniffed and asked me what in hell I had put on. He doesn't notice this stuff unless it is bad.

And it did not wave my hair. It just looked chunky and a bit stiff, like I had sprayed the bejeezus out of it with spray starch. This morning when I woke up, I noticed that my hair had literally felted together in some places.

No.

My Anglophilia stops here. Well...except for the hot mess below...

Listening to: Not Fair - Lily Allen

Making Things Easier For Them Workin' Girls

Holy Sweet God, I don't know who came up with these things. I'm torn between feeling absolutely horrified and thinking these are AMAZING! They are like those transfer tattoos that I used to put all over myself to look badass, but grown up. They also look like they were created just for Ru Paul. These are idiot proof cream shadows in crazy-pants designs on transfer papers. So, for only $25, you too can look like a prostitute/clown fetishist applied your makeup for you. I almost want them!

To get a final opinion, I showed these bits o' fabulous to my dear boyfriend; he laughed, asked me if I remembered that Simpsons episode in which Homer invents a makeup gun, and then shouted "Whores, Whores, WHORES!" like a carnie at the fair. I guess that settles it. On the topic of whores, here's something to make your day.

Listening to: Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright

I Guess Their Key Demographic Is The Bar-Star Set?

So I was gadding about in Wal-Mart yesterday, and came across this:

I got pretty excited because this shampoo really plays to the elements that draw me in - pretty colour on the package, label touting colour care, and a herbal rosemary - juniper scent. By now, you guys have to know how much I love pretty smells. This is pretty much the biggest selling feature for me a lot of the time.


So...I popped open the lid, squeezed the tube a bit to catch a whiff...and just about gagged.


This stuff smells like gin.


I instantly had a vision of myself in the shower with a hangover, trying to wash my hair with this terrible gin smell. I got gaggy just thinking about it. This is the worst idea ever.

Listening to: Come Undone - Duran Duran

Using Math To Justify Expensive Shampoo In These Trying Economic Times

For the last year or so, I've been splurging out on salon shampoo. I have long hair that I'm trying to grow out, and the cost of drug store shampoo was getting outrageous. I was going through two or three bottles of Herbal Essences a month, and my thick hair never seemed to soak any moisture up from that crap. It was about $4 a pop for conditioner, so $12 a month for stuff that didn't make any difference. Not much, but it still adds up...just stay with me now.

Bed Head by TIGI is a more "affordable" line in salons. No, really. They usually have sales on at the mall hair shops, and you can get the big duo for $25. There are 2 elements with this one-time expense of $25 that persuaded me that it wouldn't be a bad idea to just go for it; 1.) these shampoos come with pumps, and therefore you use less. You don't eyeball out a quarter sized amount from the bottle, then it doesn't lather, so you add another, and another... You take two pumps. If you need another, take one more. That's it. Soon you have a set amount that you take every time. 2.)They also lather better, and seem to make a bit of a difference to your hair. No kidding, I didn't use conditioner for the first couple of weeks after I bought a bottle of Dumb Blonde, that's now nice my hair was. So, let's recap: less shampoo and conditioner used, actually worked, and (drumroll please) I actually SAVED money. Yeah. It took me 6 months to finish up the bottle of Dumb Blonde. Let's have a little math lesson - 25/6= $4.17 a month for BOTH salon shampoo and conditoner.
Now, drugstore- 4 x 3 = $12(for 3 bottles that I used a month.)
12 x 2= $24(for a month of both shampoo and conditioner)
24 x 6 = $144 (for six months of crap shampoo)
I rest my case.

Actually, what I wanted to talk about was a Bed Head shampoo that you shouldn't buy. But, hey, if you would never have bought this stuff in the first place, my warning would be useless. So, anyway, don't waste your money on the Self Absorbed Shampoo. The conditioner is fine, and works great (smells great, too!), but the only thing the shampoo has going for it is the pretty candy-orange smell. It doesn't lather, doesn't clean, and I actually have to mix it with another shampoo to get my hair decent. And when I have to buy a totally separate bottle of shampoo because one doesn't work, my brilliant math is thrown off. If you'd like to try out some sneaky-thrifty Bed Head products, go for Dumb Blonde if you have colour treated or damaged hair. It says blonde, but it works as a colour preserver and a reconstructor for all haircolours. If you are a natural dark beauty, try Brunette Goddess, or if you let your hair air-dry but want some frizz control, try Control Freak. There are a ton of different kinds for all types of hair, so ch-ch-check it all out. Or, if you don't mind spending a bit more, go consult with your hairdresser. He or she will know what your hair needs most, can make a recommendation, and you still probably won't go over $40 for a duo. Just make sure it has a pump, and don't buy any of the Pureology stuff. I'm sure it works great, but the prices are nuts. I don't guarantee that the economic advantage will carry over with this stuff. But you would probably have great hair...

Listening to: Beating Heart Baby - Head Automatica